The Beginning Of The End

Now that I’ve had to come to terms with my mental illness, I’ve tried to look back and remeber a time when I wasn’t ill…when I was happy and satisfied with the world…when my marriage was healthy…when I was able to love and be loved.  Realizing that my illness (my disease as my doctor would later call it) almost cost me everything, caused me to wonder if it was ever good.  I was starting to doubt that I was ever a good person…a good wife…a good mother.

This exercise in reflection proved to be extremely painful.  I remember loving my husband enough to transfer from an out-of-state college to a hometown one in order to be with him.  I remember the summer we fell in love..full of passion and youth.  I remember our relationship offering relief from my anxiety…I felt happy and content.  This would prove to be in sharp contrast to what would prove to be…that I would find my husband to be a source of irritation, frustration, anger and resentment.  All though no fault of his own.  I toggle between blaming “the illness” and taking full responsibility.  I guess it’s a little of both…which is hard to grapple with in my black-and-white brain.  I remember being pleased to hear I was pregnant, even though we were young and un-married.  Pregnancy suited me…I literally glowed.  Hormones must have balanced out those evil neurological chemicals that made me crazy.

Somewhere around the time when C was 2, I remember being struck with panic…home…alone with the baby….I felt so lonely and scared.  The though of caring for my child and entertaining him terrified me.  I didn’t know why.  I called my husband and asked him to come home…I was crying.  That was the start of a slippery slope.

It wasn’t exactly the beginning.  I had suffered from OCD my whole life, which waxed and waned with my levels of stress.  I was certainly anxious, passionate and emotional but I was also prone to being  detached and reserved at times.  But I wouldn’t have called me “depressed”.  This day was the first inkling that something was wrong…a tiny glimpse into my future.

I would come out of this episode unscathed…try a few meds…get distracted with life.  T and I married, with C as the ring-bearer…I was happy again….I think.  Sometimes it’s hard to recall and put it all in perspective.  I am saavy enough now to realize that I reacted in unhealthy ways to many of life’s events.  At the time I was just living…and living like I thought everyone else was.

While I may delve deeper into the next 10 years in later posts, suffice it to say they were full of recurring episodes of angst and anxiety, each progressively worse than the next. What I define as The Beginning of the End occurred 7 years ago.  At this time I began spiring deeper and deeper into depression and my anxiety turned to rage and extreme irritability.  I started yelling and screaming at my husband and children…everything set me off.  II was discontent and miserable, always complaining, chastising and criticizing.  I look back at who I was at that time and I don’t even recognize her sometimes..I’m uncertain how she evolved….but I know she lurks within me because she still pokes her head out sometimes and threatens to expose her whole self.  I am medicated again and have worked very hard to reflect and make huge changes in my thinking and behavior.  I have some tools now to keep her at bay, but she scares me.  She took everything that mattered to me in the world…she shattered my world and stole precious years of my life.  She robbed me of meaningful time with my husband and children.  I resent her…I loathe her…I loathe myself.  I may never forgive her…she is despicable and I am ashamed.

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~ by imasurvivor2013 on April 9, 2013.

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