The Cruel Irony of it All

what doesn't kill youI spent so much time feeling guilty about ruining my marriage that I became suicidal. I ruminated over all of the things I had done. I longed for a way to go back in time and start over. I self-loathed…tormented myself to the point of mental self-mutilation. There was a time in my life when I never felt suicidal. Then, six years ago I started to understand at least, why someone would want to commit suicide. Now, I wanted to kill myself much of the time. The only reason I didn’t, was my older daughter. I knew she would be fucked up for life if I did. She would blame herself and she would blame me for committing such a selfish act. But I didn’t see it as selfish. I saw it as the most selfless act. I was going to be giving my family a gift..the gift of a better life without me.

As my mental health improved, I truly saw my past self as a different person who inhabited my body for a very long time. When I would lose my cool though, and yell or complain, I would panic. This is exactly what drove T (my husband)away…he’s going to leave me again that bastard…I can’t be the perfect wife he wants..I never will be so he should just leave and get it over with!</em> He would say No, you have changed..I have changed…I will never leave you. When I say “leave” of course, he didn’t actually physically leave (except for 2 nights at our lowest point) but I refer to it as leaving because emotionally he had checked out and was cheating on me.

What a hell to live in…constantly beating myself up. I truly believed (and sometimes still do) that my husband and kids were better off without me…they just didn’t know it. I truly believed if my kids could, they would “cheat” on me too, with another mom. It took my husband cheating and telling me I acted in a way that indicated I didn’t love him, for me to change…God forbid it took my kids saying I acted like I didn’t love them, for me to change my behavior with them. Truth be told, I am still working on my relationship with them. Yes, I’ve poured my heart and soul into my marriage…we are stronger than ever. We fell in love all over again and take the time to make sure the other knows it. But all of that energy goes toward him. I don’t feel like I have anything left to give to the kids. It isn’t urgent, I’ll tell myself. They wont stop loving me..they wont leave. The same things I said about my husband for the 6 years before he gave up on me. How can I know this..have lived through this..and still not be able to make a change? Ugh! It is so frustrating! Why does it always take a crisis for me to muster up the courage and energy to make it right?

Now that my husband isn’t a target, most of my irritability and impatience is aimed at the kids. I have little tolerance for their shenanigans and naughtiness. They really are endearing and I know this, but at the time, I am flat and demanding…not at all amused by their actions. I want to be silly with them and laugh along to their jokes instead of forcing a muted heh, that’s funny, not at all genuine. I know with my rational mind that exerting more energy into people you love does breed more energy and happiness as opposed to sucking it up, but the mere thought of doing it puts me in a panic…avoidance is easier. I’m afraid to connect..I protect myself from intimacy..I don’t know why. That is another thing I need to work on.

The cruelest irony is that I am forced to acknowledge that I need to work on my anger and depression due to my husband cheating on me, while dealing with the one thing that has caused me the most anger and sadness…his cheating on me. So here I am trying to make sure I don’t push him away..because I know what I am capable of…while being so angry at him sometimes that I can’t stand him. It is a tremendous feat to be the sweet, loving wife I need to be while being allowed to feel sorry for myself and let out the anger I am entitled to, without yelling and screaming, and in the process destroy the relationship I am trying to build.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

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~ by imasurvivor2013 on April 10, 2013.

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