I Can’t Bear It Anymore

I would walk to try to ease the pain..when walking didn’t work, I started running…I had so much pain and anger that running made me feel strong and in control, when so much was out of my control. I couldn’t control the past or my husband..I couldn’t predict the future or what it held in store for me…I was frightened…by all that had happened that was not part of “my plan”. I felt like I was living someone else’s life. I doubted everything I held to be true. I doubted my instincts, which had failed me terribly. I doubted goodness and righteousness in the world…everything was chaotic and random…and I was frightened at the thought of that. I was frightened that I didn’t know my husband anymore. I was frightened that I didn’t know myself anymore. I wanted revenge. I wanted to hurt someone so they could feel the same pain I felt…it wasn’t fair that I was the only one in the world in unfathomable pain.

I would run and run until my legs hurt and my chest burned..and then I would walk…and walk…and walk…and sometimes I just couldn’t walk far enough. I understood now why so many of my old friends started running…friends that I would never have thought of as runners…were running marathons! Aha! They too had been betrayed…they too were hurt and full of pain and anger…they too were reflecting on the part that they played in it all…they too were taking ownership of their mistakes…their short-comings. Now it all made sense. Anger will motivate even the most timid into action…and the adrenaline wards off the sorrow just enough so you can breathe.

My husband and I had both stopped drinking. He, because it had masked his pain for so long, and had been such an integral factor in destroying our marriage. For me, it was so I could work through the pain sober. I didn’t want to numb it and lock it away. I knew I would never heal if I hid in my bottle of wine. I didn’t know how I would have the strength to carry on that summer…I just didn’t know how I would survive.

I had so much pain in my heart that my body physically hurt all the time. There is absolutely no way to describe the excruciating pain to anyone…it isn’t a cliché like a country love song..my heart’s so broken like an old barn door.. No, it is raw, organic pain..of which nothing offered relief.

I would tell my husband how badly it hurt..how I couldn’t bear to be in pain all the time. Sometimes I was so desperate for the pain to stop, I would fantasize about over-dosing just enough to slip into a coma…so I wouldn’t feel the pain. I couldn’t kill myself…that would forever leave a scar for my daughter, who had the unfortunate luck to get all of my screwy genes. She had anxiety and OCD…was in therapy…felt responsible for caring for everyone. If I took my own life, she would think it was her fault. The other three kiddos would be fine, but I’d mess her up for life. But a coma? That would be o.k…that would be sweet relief that wouldn’t be a burden on anyone else.

I started going into the bathroom and just cry…sob and wail. I was broken. I would throw my hands up in the air and beg God to help me..to please help me to understand why this happened and how to ease the pain. I didn’t want to ask Him to take the pain..no one should have to bear the burden I did…no one deserved that, least of all God. But I needed to offer up myself up to a higher power and trust that He would show me the way. I will never understand why it takes us, as humans, to sink to despair, in order for us to listen…and let go. But that is what I did. I admitted I was powerless…and I surrendered myself to the will of a greater power…it was the only way…it was my saving grace.

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~ by imasurvivor2013 on April 11, 2013.

One Response to “I Can’t Bear It Anymore”

  1. I have used running in the past to run off pain and anger. Especially in the days before my diagnoses. I did not know what was wrong, but I was angry with the world and took it out on the treadmilll. Sometimes all you can do is surrender.

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