One Step Forward…Two Steps Back

Some days it feels just like that…one step forward…two steps back. I work so hard to improve, mend relationships, develop insight and then…something triggers me and BAM! I’m right back to that loathsome person. I’m either losing it…or I want to crawl under a rock…or both. Sometimes I try to distract myself from whatever is bothering me. And. Remain. Calm. That works for a little while…but it either loses it’s power once I actually have to interact with the world…or I slip away into apathy. Either way, I don’t like myself…at all. If only there was a happy medium, where I could be engaged with the world during a stressful situation for me and yet, still behave civily.

I lamented to my husband the frustaration of feeling like I’m slowly slipping backwards at times…while feeling completely exhausted from all of the work I am doing to improve. He assured me that I was improving…that I was better. I want to believe him. Really I do. But he’s so sweet to me. He wants me to be better…to be well. He knows if he is critical, I will slip even further. No one wants that. No one wants the bitch back. I wish I could belive my husband…believe that he is being genuine. I wish I was even certain that he knew what he needed to be happy. Did he really know that I was the best thing for him? If he was really honest with himself, couldn’t he find someone who would treat him better? Was I really worth it? Really?

I can’t fathom how I could be the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Even I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with me. He had the chance to leave. Many times. Especially when we were at the crux of our marrital problems…when he walked out to “clear his head”…when he returned to tell me he had an affair and he didn’t feel loved…didn’t feel wanted..that he was lonely and depressed. He could’ve called it quits then…and I wouldn’t even have blamed him. Not one bit. But he stayed. I told him I loved him. Then I showed him I loved him through my actions.

Little by little I changed. Some of the changes came in broad sweeps…I was literally shaken to the core that he would leave me…that he felt unloved. I was jolted into a rude awakening that demanded dramatic change if we were to survive as a couple…as a family. And that’s what we were…family. Even without the kids…we were each other’s family. We had taken that for granted…had disrespected each other. I was ashamed, as was he.

He made dramatic changes that I cannot explain how he managed to do with what seemed so little effort. I made sweeping and subtle changes. The more subtle changes were difficult, deliberate choices. I had to stop. Take a deep breath. Re-think. Make a better choice. Sometimes say nothing at all. Do nothing at all. Often it was just Fake It Til You Make It. I did what I knew I should do…even if it didn’t come naturally. Then, without warning or fan-fare…some of my new choices eventually started to seamlessly be incorporated into my repetoire of behavior. Others feel foreign to me still. I slip up. I make mistakes. I feel worthless and mean…hardened and cruel. Emotionless and disconnected.

Since I’ve had a few tastes of what it feels to be more “normal”, I know there is a glimmer of hope. I lose sight of this glitter in the throes of my discontent. I wish I could be satisfied. With my life. I have so much to be thankful for. I want to shower the people I love with love…let them know how deep my love is. Why do I have such a hard time showing love? Something else to consider.

My doctor tells me that this kind of dwelling doesn’t help. Talking about why we are like we are is usless. What I need to do is teach myself how to change the way I think about things (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I know this. But it is so hard. I’d rather psycho-analyze myself…much more interesting..and easy to do…all day long. Problem is…it gets me nowhere…except to The Land of Guilt…The Land of Remorse…The Land of Self-Hatred. What a crummy place to be…two steps back.

I’m at the point where I have an understanding of what I need to do. I just need to get motivated to do it. If saving my marriage and family life isn’t enough, I don’t know what is. Soemtimes I am just so dissapointed in myself. I’m going to keep trying…hell, forget two steps back, I’d be happy with standing still at this point;)


~ by imasurvivor2013 on April 23, 2013.

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