I Guess It’s Time I Admit It…

…I’m fucked up…totally and completely. I have crazy, irrational thoughts. I live in my head and am not in the moment. I get angry. I hold a grudge. I can be very mean to those I love. I am not able to form intimate relationships. I have no energy to invest in making things better. I can’t show love. I am only happy when I’ve won an argument….heck, I am only happy when I can engage someone in an argument. I am mentally ill and I almost lost every important relationship in my life because of it.

I AM MENTALLY ILL AND I ALMOST LOST EVERY IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN MY LIFE BECAUSE OF IT.

That last sentence was the hardest to come to grips with. It still gives me a little pang in my stomach as I type it. I never would have admitted it a year ago. I wouldn’t have relly understood the truth to those words a year ago. If someone had told me this was the truth, I would have punched them. How dare anyone to accuse me of such a horrible, terrible thing. But it’s true. Admitting it has been instrumental in my recovery.

By recovery, I mean many things. I mostly mean my recovery from being a destructive force in my own life. I also mean recovery from the pivotal moment when I realized that my mental illness destroyed my husband and affected my children tremendously. Recovery from the devastation of my husband’s affair. Recovery from the guilt and remorse of my actions and the fallout from them. Recovery from the grief and sorrow that I lost the sweet, nice person that I once was and can never fully be again. And the recovery from several mental breaks that have slowly, over time, dulled my thinking and made me distractible, unfocused, unmotivated and less productive. I was sharp as a tack once. I was ambitious and determined. I felt confident in my abilities. I was smart.

I am learning now how to reconcile all of these feelings of self-hate and loathing, with the hope that I can change and repair. I accept who I am and what I’ve done. Acceptance is Step 9 on my Journey To Sanity. Saying that I am mentally ill, as opposed to anxious or depressed, has been freeing in a sense. It lifts the stigma and allows me to focus on getting better. I will always be me…my flaws and all. But I want to be a better me. Taking responsibility for all of the pain and suffering I have caused, has allowed me to see clearly who I am. I don’t like who I am…but I have some hope that I can change. I only have this hope because my husband and kids believe in me. If they, those I’ve hurt the most, can believe in me…then I owe it to them to believe in myself.

Believing in myself has led me to the path toward empowerment and taking action…actually doing something about it. Some (most) days I don’t feel like I am worth it…not worth the energy to try to change. But I know my family is worth it…so I carry on.

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~ by imasurvivor2013 on May 1, 2013.

6 Responses to “I Guess It’s Time I Admit It…”

  1. i am glad you’re writing. You are not alone.

  2. Speaking truth is an important part of healing and growing. You’re doing great!

  3. That was absolutely empowering and so full of strength that it brought tears to my eyes. I see what will be. What can be. What could be. I see and wonder if I admitted things to myself what would they be? What am I afraid to face? Yet it is a beginning for you and maybe from others who would read it and gather strength from what they read. They say to inspire before you expire kind of thing. Maybe it wasn’t intended but it rings of that. Thank you for saying and showing that.

    • Thank you so much. I’m glad you were touched and inspired by it. It took a lot of soul-searching to get to the point where I could admit many things. It was a torturous process though…I literally was in physical pain for months as I sorted out who I was and learned how to deal with the ugly truth. I sank into the deepest depression of my life and wasn’t sure I would survive it. I did crawl out of that dark tunnel though, and I am stronger now.

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