The Relapse

It is so frustrating to relapse. Here I am, reverting back to my old self…my old habits. I am easily irritated and quick to lash out with a nasty comment. My stomach is in a knot constantly, from the anger I have toward everyone and everything. Why does everyone in the world need to be so annoying? Why is everyone targeting me? Cant everyone just leave me ALONE? FOR. JUST. ONE. MINUTE?! I am so irritated, not just with everyone else, but with myself. I am itching in my own skin. I recognize this wretch of a person…but she’s been hidden for so long that I cringe when I see her again. For so long, I looked back on her and barely recognized her…she was a different person from me. Now..as she emerges, it’s very familiar and so natural…so easy.

I resent the world for subjecting me to living in this mind where anger and frustration rule. Everyone else has it so easy. They have no idea how lucky they are. What did I do to deserve this? I know there’s a reason for everything..that I am likely learning a life lesson. But for the life of me…right now…I can’t imagine what that lesson could possibly be.

I’ve felt this way for so much of the past 5 years, that I know it is me, inherently. But after everything came to a head, and I recognized the absolute need to change, these moments were few and far between. When the devil did rear its’ ugly head, I became overwhelmed with anxiety and anger. Anxiety that I was, once again, the woman my husband couldn’t stand. Anger that he couldn’t have communicated with me before he betrayed me. Didn’t he love me enough to work even harder to help me? To heal me? To cure me? To help me see the light? I know how selfish that is, but at those times, I harbored these conflicting feelings…hatred toward him for giving up…and hatred toward myself for causing him to give up. I would feel awful and beg him to leave me..as he had before…because he’d be better off without me…this was who I was…and I was not capable of changing. He’d assure me he loved me and that we were different people now…that we had both changed for the better.

But now, the devil returns again, more frequently…and this time, there is a scary difference. No longer am I remorseful about my actions. I no longer implore my husband to flee from me for his own good. Now I don’t give a shit. He can take it or leave it. He can take me or leave me. I’d probably be better off without him anyway. What a bastard he is. I just don’t care about the implications of my actions anymore…or I should say, I don’t care about their implications again, because this has been a familiar attitude for several years.

I’m working hard now, to keep this part of me at bay. But sometimes, I am just not up for the fight, and surrender to my dark side…let the pieces fall where they may. I got screwed when it came to passing out genes, so fuck everyone else.

Today I am trying to fight the beast…I have some hope…but damn these scary relapses are enough to make me just quit sometimes.

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~ by imasurvivor2013 on May 11, 2013.

4 Responses to “The Relapse”

  1. Funny how we feel guilty for anger. Anger can be a healthy emotion and cause us to move forward. Using it constructively is probably so important and not always easy to do. I was raised that anger was just plain wrong and girls shouldn’t show it. We should be mothers and wives with smiles and cocktails in hand. That was never someone I really cared to be and finding myself the person I could be hasn’t been easy. I am hoping that the journey to find my self in my life while battling with Bipolar will be rewarding in the end.

    • I am working on using anger constructively…usually it is very destructive! You are right that it can certainly be healthy at times. It’s not good to hold it in. I can see the person I want to be (who behaves and responds in a positive, nurturing way), but cannot be that person most of the time. I too, am on a journey to find out what I can change, what I cannot, what I do that is toxic, and what I should embrace about myself. Once I do that, I’ll be cured;)

  2. I know what it’s like to fight demons such as yours. I pray you discover strength.

    On another note, I am a fellow blogger with a mental illness and I’m currently working on a spiritual memoir entitled “Delight in Disorder: Meditations from a Bipolar Mind”. Currently, I’m working on “The Study” chapter where I reflect on books that have impacted my understanding of mental illness as well as list other works of art (books,movies,visual arts, music) worth exploring.

    I’d love for you to visit my site and share what you’ve found helpful. The post is here –

    http://writingforfoodinindy.wordpress.com/2013/05/14/madness-in-media/

    Hope to see you around.

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