Getting Closer To Where I Am

As I chronicle my journey, I am getting closer to where I am. But today I am stuck. With every word I write about where I have been, I have to re-live the experience. It can be very freeing, but it is hard work. It stirs emotions back up. But it helps me see things more clearly too. When I look back now, I can see where things went wrong, and I can plan for improvements I need to make. I don’t usually know what to do to make these changes, but at least I have a beacon of light to move towards.

Today was the day to write about my story at the point of Recovery Step 10: Empowerment. But I’m not feeling very empowered today, so I am not able to go back. I can’t remember the feeling clearly enough to articulate the experience. But I do know that I felt it at one time, because it was the end of continually feeling sorry for myself. It was the end of continually feeling worthless. It was the end of continually feeling helpless. It was the start of feeling that I had the power to control my destiny. It was the beginning of the ability to be vulnerable and seek help.

But today I feel lousy. Today I am sad and stuck. Stuck in my negative thoughts. Stuck in my anxiety about what the future holds. And I am angry again. Angry at my husband for giving up on me during my darkest hour. And I am feeling hopeless again, that I will ever be able to change. And I am frustrated that I can see a vision of who I want to be but she is out of reach. I am feeling helpless and wanting my husband to do more, even though I know there is only so much he is capable of doing. He has his limitations too. I want him to be able to communicate more…to comfort more without my asking..to offer more.

I can feel us slipping back to some of the same old patterns and I don’t always have the energy to reverse it…get back on the right track and move forward again.

I brought up the past again and re-hashed old baggage. I do feel bad about that. I want to tell him I still hurt sometimes. I’m still angry sometimes. I want to tell him that I am entitled to those feelings for as long as I have them. But I am bitter right now. So I keep it to myself and let it fester some more. I’m not ready to be vulnerable to him right now. I’d rather make him suffer some more. He doesn’t suffer enough. He has it too easy. The ability to move on and forget. No big deal. Every once in a while I need to rip open the wound and make him feel the pain again so he doesn’t forget.

Today I can’t go back and reflect and re-live and learn from my mistakes. Today I just want to stay stuck for a while.

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~ by imasurvivor2013 on May 23, 2013.

2 Responses to “Getting Closer To Where I Am”

  1. I understand what that’s like. sometimes it feels good to wallow. Just make sure to pull yourself out of the mud, too! hope you are feeling happier now, hugs to you! 😉

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